Forever Day, Never Night

Monday, December 03, 2007

i just went through an old email that i had back in the early years of college... i had alot of emails saved that now i that i think about i wish i deleted.. they brought back so many times of happiness and excruciating pain... and they were all from one person. my first love. a best friend. someone that i put the most thought into. someone that i confided every detail of my deepest secrets, wants and wishes with. he was accepted into my family. i was accepted into his. we shared a year and eight months together back in high school although it seemed like alot longer.. which at the time was a good thing. we went to preschool together. help each other though alot of hard times even before we were dating. i loved him. loved him with all my heart. then things went sour.. incredibly sour. the break up wasnt exactly clean. it was in june... a day before my graduation party. i dont know exactly the reason why we broke up. i know that prom wasnt that great. and if i could redo it i would in a heartbeat. it was full of tears. i know part of it had to do with me leaving. so i guess it was my fault that things didnt work out. it's always my part. i was going away to school up in oshkosh. after he talked to me about us breaking up, we laid there on his bed and i cried. everything was ok. or so i thought. little did i know that this was going to be the start of my spiral downward into deep depression. it was ALL MY FAULT that this didnt last longer. we had talked about marriage and i know thats nieve cuz we were young and in love. but i think anyone in a serious relationship comes to that discussion. weeks passed after the break up and i didnt show any emotion. no tears. no speaking of it. i repressed it. i pretended like nothing happend. until about a month later we were speaking and my world came tumbling down. he was playing the field again. to me my life was over. i was coming to the point that i didnt even want to get out of bed anymore. dealing with this and the numerous amounts of stress of running a house, working, getting ready to leave home for college, and taking care of my little brother who was only 12 at the time was just taking its toll on me. the two of us started speaking again towards the end of august. things were going really well. then i tried taking my own life. we were talking on the phone and he said one of the most hurtful things i cant bear to write it here...it still hurts. i ended up in the hospital which threw him into a frenzy of worry. after that i wasnt allowed to talk to him. my therapist said this was not in my interest to talk to him nor ever again. i should have listened. we started talking..we started becoming just friends..i started moving on...or so i thought. i remember seeing myself crying myself to sleep. i didnt understand what went wrong and every time that i asked him he said he "didnt remember." how can i fix something for the future if i dont know what it is i did in the past? he came up to oshkosh for my sorority formal. and things were just like normal.. this was the first time we hung out since i went to the hospital. i went against the advice of my doctor. that weekend was amazing and i still remember it. a day later he told me he was dating someone new. this sent me back to square one on bouncing back and getting over him. winter break came. i was seeing him. we were sleeping together. he had a girlfriend. didnt matter to me. i felt guilty so i felt the need to tell his girlfriend. so i did. things didnt turn out good. he vowed that he never would speak to me again. a couple weeks went by and i was convinced that i was done with him so i sent him this email....
hey...i know we arn't on speaking terms...i dont thinking we ever will be and i think it should prolly stay that way (unless something magical happens) but thats not the reason why im writing...i just really wanted to say thank you for EVERYTHING that you have done for me in the past 5 years. You have been such a huge part of helping me discover who I am...you've helped me through good and bad times...we had our good and bad times...I enjoyed our good times VERY much...we had SO much fun together..and our bad times..well a learning a experience for both of us...i just am very proud to say that you were my friend and that u will always have a place in my heart..i apologize for the hurt that i have ever done to you especially some of the words that were said that night that we decided to end our friendship... i wish we could have had a chance to fix everything, but i guess what happend was meant to be...best of luck to you in everything that you and along with your girlfriend...im sorry if this is an inconvenience but after two weeks...i felt that this was needed...
i was being the bigger person and coming to terms that our friendship was indeed over. then i got this email in return which still is burned into my mind every time i speak to him...
i dont want your god damn apology letter
its one less fucking thing in my life that i need
i dont want to hear about the past and how much it helped you
it didnt help me
it hurt me
everyday i hurt more and more
whether you want to hear that or not
our good times were good because you thought they were good
because you were happy
they were in fact, not good, they were miserable
under a spell of "love" that caused bending to your neverending needs was all that kept you happy for two years
each day i died a little inside
you held me when i cried about my mom, the torture i went through, and the pain i endured
but when i cried, i cried because of you, because i was stuck, and i didnt know how to get out
when i finally pulled my head from my ass and realized what i was doing i tried to get out, but you wouldnt let me
i tried to break it off but you cried until it wore me down again. so i gave in. i stayed
but i knew i still had to get out and i finally broke free
i AM happy
i'm where i want to be
and its without you
don't you worry about kathy, she has all she'll ever need
this ends now
i'm done with this
this hurt ...alot.... but as surprisingly as it seems i never responded... he was the next one to make contact. i wish he never did. things got more and more complicated as they went on. he told me that he still loved me and was using his current gf as a mask to cover his feelings for me. and i fell for it. he was still dating her. i was sleeping with him. this went on like this for 2 years. this makes me sound so incredibly bad. but somewhere deep down i thought i could get him back. then after awhile i didnt.. i just wanted the sex. so i continued with it. then one day after hanging out with him i decided i didnt want to do this anymore. it was in july of this past summer. it ended i havnt spoken with him since. but now that i reflect on the past 3 years of my life. the past 3 years i have been single. everything that he put me through as made a lasting impact on me on how i view guys. i dont trust them. how could i after what ive been through? the guy told me he loved me... i trusted him... i had that trust broken and then some. i still find it incredibly hard for me to open up to a guy like i did with him. i have a hard time getting serious with a guy like i did with him. which is probably the reason why any guy that has remotely shown me any interest i run away.. and fast. i dont want to fall and get hurt again. im afraid. really afraid but i dont want to live my life afraid. i want someone that i can trust and love 110% but im afraid.

posted by Kristen at 12:07 PM -

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