| most likely the last post of the year... |
| i hope everyone had a fantastical christmas and got all the goodies they hoped for. i got TONS of movies like the back to the future, shrek and spiderman triologies, panic room (jared leto oo yum!), i,robot (yes trin ill finally be able to watch it all the way through), aladdin,my girl, gladiator, and the departed. OO i also got my so called life complete series which means even more jared leto! a new jewelery box since all my stuff is in a shoe box in my dresser drawer, a robe so im not runing from upstairs to downstairs through the front room in a towel after showering, 50 bucks from my grandma, 50 bucks to Fridays, 50 bucks to the Gap (i think im might die if i walk into there.....), beer pint glasses to complete my bar set, and a SoCo sign for my room. i say i did pretty well.. oh totally forgot.. got Rock Band.. amazing! family gift! unfortunately my parents arnt quite with it and bought it for the wrong platform.. they bought it for PS3 instead of PS2 so unfortunately that had to be returned and we cant find it ANYWHERE.. so its gonna be awhile til we actually get it. so anyways .. im guessin this will be my last post for the year. im leaving tomorrow for indianapolis which should be a BLAST! im so excited! ill get in tomorrow around 3ish and have a quiet night with my cousin, her husband, and their friend Chris.. who apparently REALLY wants to meet me... which i find slightly odd... who would want to meet me? anywho.. we're going skiing/snowboarding on Friday.. pray for me that i dont break a bone or end up in the hospital.. i have no insurance so itd be a bitch! then saturday we're going to downtown Indy to a bar called Howl At The Moon.. guess its a piano type bar should be amazing...sunday is the colts game which means we'll be tailgating at around 1 for an 8pm start. then monday is new years eve and i guess we're having a big party of like 30 something people... sweet! New years will consist of recovery and college football and then sadly my vacation will come to an end on wednesday morning when i get my flight at 730.. eww...so in other words ill be drunk pretty much the whole 5 days that im gone. Can't wait but that means i have to get to packing.. so Happy Early New Year.. dont drink and drive! Have fun but dont end up in jail cuz i cant come bailin you out! lol |
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| If you want you may well find me around Fleet Street... |
 Sweeney Todd. two words to describe it. Beautifully Morbid. Loved it loved it loved it! Johnny Depp can sing to me ANY DAY. I mean WOW! Chills went through my body. Songs are catchy but at time difficult to follow due to the accents. blood effects were a tad too bit cartoonish but it worked. a few story lines were left abandoned, but it just leads more to the imagination. the end was so poetic. beautifully done. surprisingly funny! the gore the story everything amazing! i think i have a bit of a sick mind, but im over it. |
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| i need to get my drink on |
| i'm sitting at work right now. i finished my work early but cant leave. we have our christmas party which will be a good chance to just sit around,exchange gifts, have a few laughs and relax. we got lou malnati's. its sitting in the back room and i can smell it.. its driving me NUTS! i have at least 15 minutes before i can eat it. yummmmmmy! im excited for christmas but i doubt we'll have any snow. its suppose to be like 45 tomorrow! it'll be nice but of course i have things to do places to go. im going to my godfather's tomorrow to visit. i think im having dinner over there but im not so sure. itll be nice. just me and my brother are going. sister is up in wisconsin getting a tattoo done. if its the one she had drawn out its gonna look lame. i didnt like it at all. and the place she wants it i dont agree with either. she wants it across her shoulder blades. basically its going to have stars,her dog tags, and the quote. eh. plus looking at all the weddings that ive done over the past two months tattoos look like shit when they're visible..in wedding pictures i mean. eh but whatever not my body,not my decision. going to see Sweeney Todd tonight. should be amazing. mm Johnny Depp.. and singing! read the reviews on yahoo it got an A- so im pretty stoked. other than that its been slow in the life of Kristen. found out Megan finally had her baby.. which brings me to my next thought.. im planning on going to Oshkosh hopefully soon like within the next month! need to see the lil squirt plus i have to get my sweater back from buechel. it also requires trips to the bars! so bitches get ready.. i need to get my drink on! ill let you all know of the weekend. still looking for another job. hours here at the studio are getting slimmer and slimmer each week. and 300 bucks for two weeks isnt cuttin it. plus i need to get health insurance... and go figure when i dont have it i think i actually may have to go to the doctor. sunday i was experiencing extreme dizziness and the spins.. spins like when you're wasted.. and putting the foot to the floor didnt help. and now im getting pain in both my ears.. seems like it could be a double ear infection. not cool. i was doin reserach on my symptoms and i guess the dizziness/spins was vertigo. and since my ears are hurting it could be the start of ear infections or something worse.. not looking forward to it. not to mention im seriously breaking out. not like me..ok now im blabbing and i think im done... |
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| yay! |
i got my own PS2 from Dave!
woo hoo!!!...
i had fun tonight...
time for warcraft |
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| i think.... |
i'm going to move to Boston
start over new
no one will know my name
get out of illinois
get out of wisconsin
do something COMPLETELY different
and unexpected of me |
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| searching |
i was talking yesterday to a very close friend, someone who i value their opinion in high regard. they told me that since they knew me i have changed in a way that they can see is bothering and effecting me. they say that i dont have that sparkle in my eye, i dont have a passion for the things that i used to, that ive givin up alot of the things that i enjoyed doing to be responsible.. almost too responsible for someone my age even more taking responsibilities of others into my own hands. i was thinking about that. and its true. i have nothing that i truely enjoy. i loved softball, but i dont play it anymore. i love everything about weather, but i dont take the time to study it. i constantly worry about my family, i constantly worry about my friends. i need to step it down. i've become so self-less that it is indeed taking a toll on me. i dont take care of myself like i should. i need to find those things that i love doing and take more time doing them for my own sake. i need to find my inner child in ways besides watching disney movies.......
btw. does anyone even read this anymore... |
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| thinking/creative writing |
sitting on the tile floor
my back to the door
i rest my hands on my knees
the metal to my wrist
its cold
its sharp
appealing
but frightening
do i dare?
im lost
i stand outside that coffee shop
where you were suppose to be
its cold out
its beginning to snow
you blew me off again
a tear slides down my cheek
i thought this could work
but i guess not
i knew i shouldnt
have tried to be your girl
i saw you two together
my heart broke in two
it still hurts me
i dont understand
whats wrong with me
where did i go wrong
i fell to the ground
thats the last thing i remember
the room was foggy
i was scared
i didnt believe what i did
i had done this before
but its never felt like this
the pain always went away
this time it didnt
it was hard to breathe
i saw the blood on the floor
i saw that razor blade
it was a shiny red
a bright crimson
now everyone was going to know
my secret
the secret that i covered up
with long sleeves and sweaters |
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| ive come to realize.. |
that ever since i left oshkosh my life has changed
im not sure if its for the best..i thought that it was
but im not so sure anymore
no one cares about me
i never get phone calls
i never get emails sayin "hey how ya doin"
i never have anyone asking to hang out
im pretty much alone now
except for my family
ive decided that im more alone than what i was at oshkosh
at least if i was still in oshkosh people would still call
still see on the way to class
but here i am..accomplishing nothing
feeling more incomplete
no one does care |
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| two of my favorites |
watch these videos.. amazing lyrics.. amazing concepts... amazing musician.. he is a GOD!
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=4247964
http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=20792414 |
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| why? |
why is everyone in my family in such a shitty mood around christmas?!
i need to get the fuck outta here
parents are fighting..
i cant take it anymore
im locked in my room
with nothing to do
im beginning to hate my life
something is missing
i have no sense of accomplishment
at the end of the day
pathetic is the one word
that comes to mind when
i describe my days
nothing ever happens anymore |
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| a not so happy day |
| tuesday was suppose to be a good day. it was suppose to my one day out of the year to be incredibly selfish. but i wasnt. my birthday was just an average day. i still had to go to work. nothing out of the ordinary. recieved calls from both my parents before heading to work. work was slow as ever. i brought homemade cookies and homemade hot cocoa in for the 4 of us. which i might say was definitely appreciated. i got out of work early. which was a good thing and bad. we were getting hit with snow. this was exciting! i NEVER get snow on my birthday. so this brightened up my day til i had to drive home in it. im driving the family suburban aka THE BEAST. now i like to think that i dont freak out when theres a little snow on the ground. so i played it cool. flipped the beast into 4 wheel drive and made my way home. more than half way home im turning a corner than isnt plowed very well... and this beast of a car starts sliding in the middle of the intersection. i freaked out but recovered nicely. made my way home a little less confident that before. i get home and the scent of dinner instantly fills my nose.. now let me just say that there's a tradition in my family that on the day of someone's birthday that person gets to pick what they want. to my surprise the essence of meatloaf filled my nose. ok not exactly what i had in mind for my birthday dinner but whatever.. i also wasnt expected home til 10 that night and here i am walkin in the door at 8. i got a huge hug from my bro' who is quite possibly amazing... he got me two movies.. van helsing and donnie darko and a 30 seconds to mars poster for my room... he thinks that its time that nick carter and britney spears come down....lol....so here i am thinking about all the things that ive brought up that i would want or need for my birthday.. a new car, my own teacup terrier dog, a new camera, money for my indy trip? we're going to kohl's....wtf... they CLEARLY know that i HATE clothes shopping. plus i just went shopping with my mom two months ago. and of all places why kohl's? why not like take me to woodfield and let me get a varity from different stores...i dont complain and just carry on our way. i got nothing. my dad starts criticizing me like he always does. lets not forget that had not recieved one phone call from any of my friends.. only facebook messages... which to me shows that 'yea i remember but only because facebook told me and this is the best i can do' sorry if that seems mean but thats the way it comes off to me. i come home after that eat meatload which was the WORST meatloaf ever.. then went to bed sick with a migrane and an upset stomach.. im blaming the meatloaf.. it must have been 10pm. i try to look at the positives from the day and i dont see very many. besides my family excluding my sister who didnt say shit to me. the fact that i didnt die driving home. and last night instead of clothes i got a new tv and dvd player for my room. and thats about it. i was really looking forward to this coming weekend with the party but everyone kept coming up with excuses to why they couldnt come. i just really wanted to spend time with my friends. i have seen any of you since september when i left. im starting to feel that no one really cares at all. and i would love to come to oshkosh but i dont have the extra cash to drive up there nor the mode of transportation. so ill be sitting at home this weekend... might be hanging out with a few old friends from high school. or this new guy that i met.. he's a really sweet guy but does have some baggage but im going to look past that...no he's not a felon or anything like that.. |
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| woot... |
happy birthday to me....
party is cancelled
im drinking alone
im pathetic |
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| bringing back the past... |
 i just went through an old email that i had back in the early years of college... i had alot of emails saved that now i that i think about i wish i deleted.. they brought back so many times of happiness and excruciating pain... and they were all from one person. my first love. a best friend. someone that i put the most thought into. someone that i confided every detail of my deepest secrets, wants and wishes with. he was accepted into my family. i was accepted into his. we shared a year and eight months together back in high school although it seemed like alot longer.. which at the time was a good thing. we went to preschool together. help each other though alot of hard times even before we were dating. i loved him. loved him with all my heart. then things went sour.. incredibly sour. the break up wasnt exactly clean. it was in june... a day before my graduation party. i dont know exactly the reason why we broke up. i know that prom wasnt that great. and if i could redo it i would in a heartbeat. it was full of tears. i know part of it had to do with me leaving. so i guess it was my fault that things didnt work out. it's always my part. i was going away to school up in oshkosh. after he talked to me about us breaking up, we laid there on his bed and i cried. everything was ok. or so i thought. little did i know that this was going to be the start of my spiral downward into deep depression. it was ALL MY FAULT that this didnt last longer. we had talked about marriage and i know thats nieve cuz we were young and in love. but i think anyone in a serious relationship comes to that discussion. weeks passed after the break up and i didnt show any emotion. no tears. no speaking of it. i repressed it. i pretended like nothing happend. until about a month later we were speaking and my world came tumbling down. he was playing the field again. to me my life was over. i was coming to the point that i didnt even want to get out of bed anymore. dealing with this and the numerous amounts of stress of running a house, working, getting ready to leave home for college, and taking care of my little brother who was only 12 at the time was just taking its toll on me. the two of us started speaking again towards the end of august. things were going really well. then i tried taking my own life. we were talking on the phone and he said one of the most hurtful things i cant bear to write it here...it still hurts. i ended up in the hospital which threw him into a frenzy of worry. after that i wasnt allowed to talk to him. my therapist said this was not in my interest to talk to him nor ever again. i should have listened. we started talking..we started becoming just friends..i started moving on...or so i thought. i remember seeing myself crying myself to sleep. i didnt understand what went wrong and every time that i asked him he said he "didnt remember." how can i fix something for the future if i dont know what it is i did in the past? he came up to oshkosh for my sorority formal. and things were just like normal.. this was the first time we hung out since i went to the hospital. i went against the advice of my doctor. that weekend was amazing and i still remember it. a day later he told me he was dating someone new. this sent me back to square one on bouncing back and getting over him. winter break came. i was seeing him. we were sleeping together. he had a girlfriend. didnt matter to me. i felt guilty so i felt the need to tell his girlfriend. so i did. things didnt turn out good. he vowed that he never would speak to me again. a couple weeks went by and i was convinced that i was done with him so i sent him this email....
hey...i know we arn't on speaking terms...i dont thinking we ever will be and i think it should prolly stay that way (unless something magical happens) but thats not the reason why im writing...i just really wanted to say thank you for EVERYTHING that you have done for me in the past 5 years. You have been such a huge part of helping me discover who I am...you've helped me through good and bad times...we had our good and bad times...I enjoyed our good times VERY much...we had SO much fun together..and our bad times..well a learning a experience for both of us...i just am very proud to say that you were my friend and that u will always have a place in my heart..i apologize for the hurt that i have ever done to you especially some of the words that were said that night that we decided to end our friendship... i wish we could have had a chance to fix everything, but i guess what happend was meant to be...best of luck to you in everything that you and along with your girlfriend...im sorry if this is an inconvenience but after two weeks...i felt that this was needed...
i was being the bigger person and coming to terms that our friendship was indeed over. then i got this email in return which still is burned into my mind every time i speak to him...
i dont want your god damn apology letter
its one less fucking thing in my life that i need
i dont want to hear about the past and how much it helped you
it didnt help me
it hurt me
everyday i hurt more and more
whether you want to hear that or not
our good times were good because you thought they were good
because you were happy
they were in fact, not good, they were miserable
under a spell of "love" that caused bending to your neverending needs was all that kept you happy for two years
each day i died a little inside
you held me when i cried about my mom, the torture i went through, and the pain i endured
but when i cried, i cried because of you, because i was stuck, and i didnt know how to get out
when i finally pulled my head from my ass and realized what i was doing i tried to get out, but you wouldnt let me
i tried to break it off but you cried until it wore me down again. so i gave in. i stayed
but i knew i still had to get out and i finally broke free
i AM happy
i'm where i want to be
and its without you
don't you worry about kathy, she has all she'll ever need
this ends now
i'm done with this
this hurt ...alot.... but as surprisingly as it seems i never responded... he was the next one to make contact. i wish he never did. things got more and more complicated as they went on. he told me that he still loved me and was using his current gf as a mask to cover his feelings for me. and i fell for it. he was still dating her. i was sleeping with him. this went on like this for 2 years. this makes me sound so incredibly bad. but somewhere deep down i thought i could get him back. then after awhile i didnt.. i just wanted the sex. so i continued with it. then one day after hanging out with him i decided i didnt want to do this anymore. it was in july of this past summer. it ended i havnt spoken with him since. but now that i reflect on the past 3 years of my life. the past 3 years i have been single. everything that he put me through as made a lasting impact on me on how i view guys. i dont trust them. how could i after what ive been through? the guy told me he loved me... i trusted him... i had that trust broken and then some. i still find it incredibly hard for me to open up to a guy like i did with him. i have a hard time getting serious with a guy like i did with him. which is probably the reason why any guy that has remotely shown me any interest i run away.. and fast. i dont want to fall and get hurt again. im afraid. really afraid but i dont want to live my life afraid. i want someone that i can trust and love 110% but im afraid.
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Name: Kristen
Home: Schaumburg, Illinois, United States
About Me: I have an awkward personality.. i swear you will never me anyone like me
See my profile...
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Brushes by Gvalkyrie
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posted by Kristen at 
