| can thing make a 180 soon please? |
| most of you know.. i didnt get the dispatching job... you know the one that was going to turn my life around and make things all peaches and cream.. the one were id be able to move out in a year and get my car fixed. yea rejected. i got the letter yesterday.. it just said that i was no longer being considered for the position. i guess i didnt score well on those two exams.. which basically means i have no common sense. wtf... well i still have one more floatin around out there. alot small city to work for. but i have to take those two exams again. so seriously wish me luck.. in the meantime i put a couple more applications out there at retail places like blockbuster and petsmart. im plannin on headin over to target and another pet place. cant go wrong workin with the pooches. i also found another job but its working at FedEx... and its only part time .. with shitty hours. like 430am or over night.. not interested plus you dont get a chance for benefits til you're there for at least 6 months.. not gonna happen...unless its absouletly the last thing. im gettin desperate.. i even started lookin in wisconsin again around the bay. i didnt realize that sitting around all day would make me this depressed. no job seriously sucks. no money = no fun .. no oshkosh visits.. no fixed car. |
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| rant: sister |
| so shit hit the fan last night at my house. my mom flipped out on us three kids: me my sister and my brother, and it resulted in a broken spatula. my sister and i have never got along. ever. and it'll never happen. ive tried countless amounts of times to be her friend but we're just too different. from our music generes the way we dress to the peopel we consider friends. i've covered her ass numerous times example: ive prevented her from getting kicked out. yet she still treats me like shit. i'll simply point out that she's wearing too much make up and maybe she should go for a more natural look. she gets on the defensive and just starts ripping me a new one.. i do the mature thing and walk away. i joke around with her and she gets bitchy about it. no matter what i do to compliment her or try and be her friend she throws it back in my face. at this point i could careless if i ever talk to her again, because what happend last night is i got chewed out for something she did. not me. me and my brother get along amazingly well. my brother and sister...dont. see a common denominator here? im not tryin to say my sister is always the problem but she usually is. she has to bitch about everything. and everything she says has a whiney irrtating tone to it. GRR! when she does want to be your friend its on her terms. im so incredibly angry with her right nowthat i want to punch her in the fucking face. and im not kidding. we had chores to do this weekend. understandbly my sister had to work for a bit on saturday morning. thats cool. friday night she slept from about 4 in the afternoon til midnight then ate and went back to bed. comes home from work at 2 on saturday and sleeps AGAIN til 10 that night. wtf?! then sunday my parents come home at around noon and im the one getting yelled at that nothing was done. fuck this. i need out of this house. better yet this family. because clearly what i do around here is never good enough. |
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| envy me |
i'm seein my chemical romance april 17 in chicago!
gonna get there early, meet gerard who then can take total advantage of me |
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my dog just ate my dinner....literally
fuckin dog |
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| another tragedy |
its only been about 8 hours after this has happened but  the shock still hasnt worn off. there was another college shooting today, but this one particularly hit close to home. Northern Illinois University was turned upside down today by something we thought wouldnt happen again after the events at virginia tech, nearly a year ago. 6 are confirmed dead at this time, including the gun man. It happend around 3 this afternoon. I was at home enjoying some hot tea and decided to call my boss to see if i was to come into work tomorrow. we chatted casually when i spoke of my intentions to potentially go to oshkosh this weekend when he said maybe you should stay off of the campus for a little while. Puzzled i asked him why. He said that just minutes ago a shooting had been reported at NIU. I calmly handled the news and thousands of thoughts ran through my mind. Backing up a bit. NIU is about 40 minutes from house here in Illinois. Many MANY of my friends from high school attend school there. One person specifically came to mind and that was JT. Granted Jt and dont really talk at all anymore.. i still care greatly about him. I fed my mom and sister the news and ran to my room. I almost immediately called JT. He didnt answer. I was panicking now. I called my other friend Sandra and she didnt answer either. I was shaking so bad i didnt know what to do. tears were welling up in my eyes. i kept praying over and over for their safety. I watched the news almost constantly. As i was watching the number of injured grew.. with still no answer from any of my friends i started pacing. My mom knew i was worried. My cell clenched in my hand i watched tv trying to find out any other information. I finally recieved a text from my friend sandra around 4:20. I still hadnt heard back from JT. I called Sam and some other friends about the news. I was nearly consistantly on my phone trying to find out information which just led to more dead ends. I tried texted Jt and still never recieved an answer. As the reports of what happend and where it happend my fears where calmed slightly. It was a level 104 geology class. I dont think that JT nor any of my friends would still be in a level 100 being in their 4th year of college although i cant rule the thought out completely. I called my friend Jenny who spoke with JT's best friend. No news. He had received a call earlier in the day before the events from JT sayin his phone wasnt working properly. I jsut tried callin again and he didnt answer. I have a feeling in my heart that he's ok, but theres always that thought in the back of my head. No names have been released on any of the victims. Things are still unraveling. I never thought anything like this could happen again but i was proven wrong. i'm deeply saddend and praying for the entire university and community. their lives are forever changed. pray for the huskies! |
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| its offically one month with no nicotine |
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| mental acquisitiveness |
i wonder what it would be like to do drugs
not pot .. i mean some hardcore drugs like heroine or speed.
i was thinking about this the other day. i had actually just got done watching Requiem. and i sat there thinking as the credits rolled. if someone's life is going to shit, why the hell not do drugs? ya know? you have no family, no friends, no one that loves you, no job, and you're running on you're last run of money. i wonder what it would feel like. the adrenaline of putting the tourniquet around your arm and pulling it tight. the hesitation of putting the needle into that forearm vein. then the pure ectasy of the drugs running through your body. making you feel so at easy. like theres no cares in the world. you just lie there, zoning out, listening to some rockin' tunes, or chatting with a good friend. just forgetting about problems and letting them melt away. bliss. but like all things.. good things dont last forever and the thought of coming down would scare the living shit outta me. the anxieties, the lost memories, the freakish illusions. whoa...damn.. then you would seriously end up like Harry or Marion... the dream to the disaster in the matter of a few months. yea not for me.. although i wish i could experience the freedom from problems and anxieties for just an hour or even a couple minutes. my mind has been full of so many things that im worrying about, i wish i had that release or escape from reality for just a little bit.
*****disclaimer*****
i don't do drugs nor never have done drugs! this is just thoughts that occur in my crazy head!!!
i now leave you with this....
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| manic period is over |
| so i know for a fact that my bipolar-ness hasnt gone away. ive finally come down from a manic episode. everything i thought was going amazing. seriously amazing. nothing was going to bring me down. now its the complete opposite. i was sitting at work the other day and i realized that photography is only a hobby of mine. its not something that id want to do for the rest of my life. i know exactly what i want to do with my life but i cant fulfill those dreams until i get married. i want to be wife and a mother...and i cant do either one of those which breaks my heart. and god only knows when that will happen. but until that time i have to decide what i want to do with my life. the past couple weeks were semi enjoyable..no work and basically doing what i want but now i sit here. and it sucks. i have a wonderful $45 dollars in my checking account. i cant do anything. i feel pretty worthless too. its like i consume oxygen and thats it. now im not tryin to pull the whole emo shit and feel bad about myself..no its nothing like that. its more along the lines of where is my life going...i have so many interests that id love to have a career in but is it something that id want to do for the rest of my life?? weather yea i love it but i dont want to be inside all the time sitting at a radar screen?...i love history but do i want to teach a bunch of high school students? i love art but what exactly am i going to do with it? then i thought of my sister. she came home the other day in her army fatigues after drill. and it got me thinking. maybe i should consider the military an option. not necessarily the army but maybe like the Navy or something. yea id have to do boot camp but the benefits in the long run could be really good plus ill be able to go back to school. and i dont have to pay for it.... i talked to my mom about it earlier tonight. she didnt really say anything about it. i guess hte more i think about it ..it would be a good idea but im so against the whole conformity of the military. be your own person not someone your're not. gah idk.. i guess ill wait to see where this dispatching job takes me... if i get the job then ill stick with that..if not then the recruting office maybe my next stop..... |
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| round 2 |
| so i took my first application tests on monday for the dispatching job. passed with flying colors. then again two of the tests if you didnt pass you were pretty brainless. it was basically simple math question, word association, which is not like the other kinda jazz.. and the third test was a typing exam. i had three minutes to type up a paper with like phrases and what not on it. typed 60 words a minute no errors. pretty good. not what i used to be when i took typing in high school but thats ok. so ive been invited back to the second round. which sounds like its a note taking exam. which takes 3 hours.... i havnt gone over the entire study guide yet but the just of it is i listen to fake calls and jot down the necessary information to give to the fire and police... a simulator if you may. so i got that goin. and if i pass that i believe i have a drug, psych and physical exams that i have to pass. im not concerned about the drug or physical...just the psych.cuz im not exactly completely normal...but i am in better condition than Britney Spears. much better. so anyways.. its 9 am.. and i wish i was still in bed but of course i get called into work at the studio when im just about to hit 50 on WoW. fuck. i need to hit 50 by the end of the weekend. working today then playin wow probably tonight. then tomorrow probably just WoW. i forgot that the superbowl is on. honestly i dont really care who wins. id prefer the giants.. only cuz i think itd be pretty sweet to see two Mannings win superbowls back to back. then again ithink itd be pretty sweet to see the pats have a complete season but i cant STAND randy moss or tom brady. so meh. ill probably just watch for the commericals and half time. Tom petty.. should be interesting. anywho.. peacin out... bitches call me. especially you trinity.. idk if you moved or not. damn. |
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Name: Kristen
Home: Schaumburg, Illinois, United States
About Me: I have an awkward personality.. i swear you will never me anyone like me
See my profile...
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Brushes by Gvalkyrie
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posted by Kristen at 
