Forever Day, Never Night

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

most of you know that i have made my decision to take a break from school for awhile. i'm already at home and not sure if i like it. i woke up this morning at 9:45 freaking out thinking that i only had a half hour to get ready for classes. its weird waking up in your own bed in the bedroom that you grew up in. it weird being able to take your time at what you want to do. its weird to actually be cooking. but it is amazing to have two ply toliet paper and an amazing homecooked meal. i got home yesterday afternoon. it was a fast move out and a good ride back. stopped in the bay for some lunch at the cantina (where i used to work). i walked in and everyone was so happy to see me. they all thought that i was just home for the day. sandy, my manager, gave me a hug and i was shaking. i dont know why. was it because i was happy to be back? was it embarrassment that i can't deal with my own emotions? i dont know. so they asked why i was back and i just simply answered i needed a break. they were all supportive and like i said excited to see me... so much that it almost brought me to tears. erin, one of the girls i worked with, was so excited. we're planning on joining a bowling team and going to play bingo every now and then. it made me feel so good to be accepted in a place that i felt so out of place in. sandy hired me on the spot :bartending and waitressing. ill be guarenteed a good amount of hours so its a good start. i went into to talk to my old boss at harpoon willie's but she wasnt there. my dad already talked to her and she said that she would hire me back for extra hours too. gino's east in lake geneva is also hiring which is prime location: right next to all the hotels and shops on the lake front. so i have two other options. so the drive back from there was good. then i came home. home home. i saw my "puppies" and they were so happy to see me. i almost broke down in tears. i went downstairs and laid in my bed for awhile til dinner was ready and my dogs just laid there with me. snuggling and giving me kisses. they know something is wrong. and they just stayed by me all night. i had an amazing dinner then went to watch the new House that was on. i didnt make it through. i was asleep by 830. thats how i know that there is something wrong. i've decided that im going to go see a professional councilor or psychologist. something just isnt right with me. theres a black curtain just draped over me and i want to get rid of it. i have so many feelings of no self worth, failure, embarrassment, confidence, you name it i got it. i feel like life just isnt worth it. im completely miserable. as much as i dont want to go talk to a complete stranger, it looks like thats my only option. i'll probably end up back on medication and have sessions for a couple months or what not. who knows. i'm almost wondering if its even worth it. it obviously didnt help last time. it just came back again. and it will continue to do so. i read that depression is usually a reoccuring disorder. so which means that im going to be like this for the rest of my life. having reoccuring problems for the rest of my life. which will make me a crazy lunatic and undesireable to men. cuz honestly.. who wants to spend the rest of their life with a depressed, unattractive lunatic? i certainly wouldnt. i dont have any desire to do anything anymore that i once loved. i just wish that i dont have to get out of bed in the morning. i slept for over 12 hours last night and i was ready for a bed again by 2. and here it is 11:30 and im completly exhausted but i needed to write. i dont know exactly how all these decisions are going to affect my life. i hope for the best though. i already miss the atmosphere of oshkosh. i hate schaumburg.. fuckin yuppies who dont know how to fuckin drive...bastards.... i wont be able to make my way back to oshkosh this weekend like i had planned. i need to be at home. i seriously need to get my shit back together before i snap again and end up where i was my freshman year.

posted by Kristen at 11:04 PM -

2 Comments:

At 7:30 PM, Hot Child In the City said…

I'm so glad that you're feeling like you made the right choice for you. :)
Hope that everything continues to work out..and i hope that i see you soon :D
At 10:04 PM, Mighty said…

I would just like to pose a little tid-bit of food for thought. Of the issues that concern you, do they (perhaps) bring you down because you are not meeting your own expectations / aspirations or because you are not meeting the goals / standards you feel others expect of you.