| not so good news.... |
found out last night that my sister is being deployed to Iraq in January....
they moved it up 9 months... im sad |
|
|
|
| yippie! |
CUBS WIN CENTRAL DIVISION!!
PLAYOFFS HERE WE COME!!! |
|
|
|
| to whom it may concern |
to whom it may concern:
i'm always in competition with you.
i wish i could be like you.
you're always happy.
always outgoing.
i'm so jealous of you.
you get the guys.
you have the looks.
you have the friends.
i just stand in your shadow.
i want be the one in the spot light.
just for once... |
|
|
|
| decision made |
| most of you know that i have made my decision to take a break from school for awhile. i'm already at home and not sure if i like it. i woke up this morning at 9:45 freaking out thinking that i only had a half hour to get ready for classes. its weird waking up in your own bed in the bedroom that you grew up in. it weird being able to take your time at what you want to do. its weird to actually be cooking. but it is amazing to have two ply toliet paper and an amazing homecooked meal. i got home yesterday afternoon. it was a fast move out and a good ride back. stopped in the bay for some lunch at the cantina (where i used to work). i walked in and everyone was so happy to see me. they all thought that i was just home for the day. sandy, my manager, gave me a hug and i was shaking. i dont know why. was it because i was happy to be back? was it embarrassment that i can't deal with my own emotions? i dont know. so they asked why i was back and i just simply answered i needed a break. they were all supportive and like i said excited to see me... so much that it almost brought me to tears. erin, one of the girls i worked with, was so excited. we're planning on joining a bowling team and going to play bingo every now and then. it made me feel so good to be accepted in a place that i felt so out of place in. sandy hired me on the spot :bartending and waitressing. ill be guarenteed a good amount of hours so its a good start. i went into to talk to my old boss at harpoon willie's but she wasnt there. my dad already talked to her and she said that she would hire me back for extra hours too. gino's east in lake geneva is also hiring which is prime location: right next to all the hotels and shops on the lake front. so i have two other options. so the drive back from there was good. then i came home. home home. i saw my "puppies" and they were so happy to see me. i almost broke down in tears. i went downstairs and laid in my bed for awhile til dinner was ready and my dogs just laid there with me. snuggling and giving me kisses. they know something is wrong. and they just stayed by me all night. i had an amazing dinner then went to watch the new House that was on. i didnt make it through. i was asleep by 830. thats how i know that there is something wrong. i've decided that im going to go see a professional councilor or psychologist. something just isnt right with me. theres a black curtain just draped over me and i want to get rid of it. i have so many feelings of no self worth, failure, embarrassment, confidence, you name it i got it. i feel like life just isnt worth it. im completely miserable. as much as i dont want to go talk to a complete stranger, it looks like thats my only option. i'll probably end up back on medication and have sessions for a couple months or what not. who knows. i'm almost wondering if its even worth it. it obviously didnt help last time. it just came back again. and it will continue to do so. i read that depression is usually a reoccuring disorder. so which means that im going to be like this for the rest of my life. having reoccuring problems for the rest of my life. which will make me a crazy lunatic and undesireable to men. cuz honestly.. who wants to spend the rest of their life with a depressed, unattractive lunatic? i certainly wouldnt. i dont have any desire to do anything anymore that i once loved. i just wish that i dont have to get out of bed in the morning. i slept for over 12 hours last night and i was ready for a bed again by 2. and here it is 11:30 and im completly exhausted but i needed to write. i dont know exactly how all these decisions are going to affect my life. i hope for the best though. i already miss the atmosphere of oshkosh. i hate schaumburg.. fuckin yuppies who dont know how to fuckin drive...bastards.... i wont be able to make my way back to oshkosh this weekend like i had planned. i need to be at home. i seriously need to get my shit back together before i snap again and end up where i was my freshman year. |
|
|
|
| should i stay or should i go? |
| i've got a pretty big decision to make. the past couple weeks have been incredibly stressful and have been taking a toll on my mental health if you will. i've been incredibly depressed, crying at everything, and just homesick like no other. this past week has been the worst i must say. i was talking to my mom today and i just completely broke down. completely as in i've cried almost all day. between school, guys, friends, and just flat out being incredibly alone i finally snapped. and i should have seen it coming. my mom suggested that with all the stress that im having maybe itd be a good idea for me to leave school. either take the rest of the semester off or the rest of the year. just so i can get my shit together whether its mentally, physically, emotionally. everything. my mom says that i need to get my head on straight. and i see where she's coming from. school isnt as much fun as it used to be. i mean yea i love art but do i REALLY wanna do this for the rest of my life? why am i even in school? i guess that question right there should tell me that maybe my mom is in fact right and that i need to just stop this school thing for awhile. i mean what ive been goin strong on school for 15-16 years? maybe it is time for a break. but heres the thing... does that make me look like a failure? does that show that im not good enough? i dont wanna be letting anyone down and i know thats not waht is important. but it is a factor in my decision. so here's the big thing.. leave school and move back home for awhile.. get my act together, work for awhile and see where that takes me.. or just suck it up for the remaining time that i have (about another 1 1/2 years) and just keep "fixing" the problems as they come? i can always look into transferring to NIU at the Hoffman campus and do my art classes there... maybe i can do that and just take like a couple credit hours and still work? maybe i just need to get out of Oshkosh..maybe its holding me back from other opportunities? i really don't know what to do... i just know that right now im goin to bed.. this weekend has been way too much on me... plus i think i just wanna cry some more |
|
|
|
|
where is MY Jordan Catalano?
isnt it my turn yet? |
|
|
|
| yea so... |
i wanna get knocked up
i just watched the movie and it made me feel so maternal... its weird... |
|
|
|
|
I wish there was a way to explain how i feel.
The pain that i feel just won't go away
It's a deep, excrucating pain
Never dull, and constantly there
my black eyes just melt down my face
I wish i had someone to just h.o.l.d me
Hold me and never let go
Some one i can just cry to for no reason at all
I need the feeling of someone who really TRULY cares
i hurt
i feel abandoned
i feel incomplete
I have a constant feeling of unhappiness
Is it so much to ask to just be loved and love in return?
I want a kiss
a kiss so passionate, so deep and intense
like that first kiss
but i'm left with out it
i want someone to care
to love unconditionally
I want to feel alive
I want the feeling of that someone b.r.e.a.t.h.i.n.g life into me
I'm a tree stuck in the unending destruction of a brutal winter
Cold
Dark
Empty
I want a fresh life
of being alive
I dont know what to do anymore
I feel like a lost puppy with no where to go
I just want LOVE
I want to BE loved
in such a deep way
no one has given me before
I don't want to hurt anymore. |
|
|
|
| trust |
| i'm having SERIOUS trust issues with ALOT of people right now... maybe you're one of them? |
|
|
|
| alone |
i sit ... alone i eat... alone i study ...alone i sleep ... alone i cry ... alone i am alone |
|
|
|
| vomit |
| im completely disgusted with myself |
|
|
|
| By Myself |
| school is going to amazing this year... with 17th century art history, art survey history 2, civil war history, adv. comp, photo 1 and then newly added functional design. each of them has their perks especially the design class. i get to play with power tool...muhahaha. the only bad thing which i had been fearing all summer is the issue of being alone. i have had little to know contact with friends.. well maybe i exaggerate that a lil bit. trin and i spent monday afternoon/night together then just recently spent the night with her friend sara last night which ill get into in a lil bit. sarah buechel stopped by on tuesday and thursday. she asked me to join the functional design class with her...which only makes this class even MORE interesting. and i saw sammie a couple times but only for brief moments. i just miss having someone across the hall to just walk over and chit chat with. alot of the girls on my floor are nice, but come off as antisocial and maybe a little clique-ish. its not really fair for me to say that though i guess it is only the first week of school. but im trying to keep myself busy and stay out of my room as much as i can. i did some reading at reeve hopeing to see people but i was unsuccessful with that. anyone moving on from my plaguing lonliness this past night was wicked crazy. well i guess in other peoples opinion it was a tame night but to me it was crazy. sara and trin got here around 830 i think got ready quickly then had a pre drink before headin out. we hadnt got to the bar yet and i had already lost my cigarettes. i think i lost em at the picnic table in front of fletch. worst part of it though is that i wasnt even DRUNK. sad way to start the night off. kellys was fairly quiet which wasnt bad. stayed for a drink then headed to mollys which was mildly crowded. 1 dollar rails from 7-11.. had to take advantage of that and the free shot wheel that was there. i won a t-shirt! yay. but had to suffer the rath of Rumple mintz.. burns all the way down.. damn... went to french soon after.. chit chatted with some guy i think his name was mitch but i couldnt tell you. by now we were all highly intoxicated. left french and i needed food bad.. i wanted to take advantage of niko's but trin wanted to drink more.. which im glad she didnt. we made our short lived appearance at wingers which was PACKED then made our way to toppers. so trin and i are both wearing heels....bad idea. we were takin them off walking from bar to bar.. and trin being the amazing person that she is decides to put her shoes outside of toppers somewhere. not thinking of it and being highly intoxicated she grabs one. which we didnt discover til this morning.. so the damage $20 per a person spent a lost pack of cigarettes, a lost shoe, 3 mild hangovers and only 2 pieces of a pizza gone with half a triple order of topperstix gone... all in all it was a good night :o) |
|
|
|
|
Name: Kristen
Home: Schaumburg, Illinois, United States
About Me: I have an awkward personality.. i swear you will never me anyone like me
See my profile...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Brushes by Gvalkyrie
|
|
posted by Kristen at 