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havnt written in here in a long time... figured id start back up again.... yea im still in school and its gay.. i hate it...so with that here we go....
so spring break has come and quickly passed... i again for the second year in a row have no exciting news to report... no extravagent road trips, parties etc.. cept for maybe my cousin's wedding... which made me just feel more alone that i already am... spring break gave me too much time to think... to think about what i have, what i dont have, what my life is misisng and where i want my life to go... i kno thats alot to be thinking of but when you do nothing but sit around in a basically empty house with nothing to do, what else is there to do? i feel like im missing something in my life... i dont know what...cuz other wise id fix it...i feel as though im incomplete. i have the greatest family that i could ever ask for and amazing friends. i'm in college...more than half way done...this is something that neither of my parents got to experience or my sister for that matter...i feel like running away...but why..im not so sure of that either... somewhere where i can just let go and be completly crazy and not myself...maybe i just really need summer again... locked into the hard working mode and with the wind down afterwards of just sitting down by the lake with my feet hanging over the edge of the pier watching the sunset...maybe thats what i need...i dont know anymore...i think what i really need is a good friend that'll just listen...now im not saying that i dont have friends that i cant turn to do this but i feel like they know me but they dont KNOW me...if you get what im sayin...theres only been three people that i could say anything and everything to and they're all out of reach and neglect to acknowledge me in some way...some one that i can cry to and not feel ashamed...someone who gets me...and i get them in return...a mutual bonding...i havnt had that in so long that its really starting to effect me...i need my time to just open up to just one person...ive considered counciling again but i dont feel like they understand...that im just another "client" or "patient"...sigh...i just dont know anymore...then i was thinking that have all the problems that i have been having have to deal with falling farther and farther away from my faith in God...being in church on Saturday for the wedding made me feel good... like really good... i dont know how to explain it...i just have never felt so comfortable in a public place...i was just overwhelmed with emotion (aside from seeing my cousin, who's practically my big sister,get married). being in church just made me feel really good...maybe thats where i need to start...aside from church.. today's gorgeous weather made me feelin extremely self conscious... i feel like im not good looking enough, i cant wear certain clothes, i can't do certain things...like running or just a simple game of volleyball..cuz i have no one to play with...i know that's just minor but i feel so much better when i get to exert all that extra energy...id go to the gym and work out but going back to the self consciousness im embarrassed to...i did join intramural softball...which excites me alot! but that seems liek thats the only thing going right right now...then there's the whole issue of guys... im just ready to give up on everything... i dont know how to act, how to feel, nothing ...around all of em... i feel like a big doofus or something... i feel like i dont say the right things, look the right way.. etc...i have a serious issue with self-confidence... id like it so much better if a guy approached me... i hate playing the chase...then again.. im sure guys like it better when the girl chases them....SIGH!! i dont know what to do anymore.. i just feel like giving up on everything... i dont know what im doing in school anymore... i dont feel like ill ever get married and get the life that i want...EVERYTHING that i want just seems so far out of reach... |
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Name: Kristen
Home: Schaumburg, Illinois, United States
About Me: I have an awkward personality.. i swear you will never me anyone like me
See my profile...
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Brushes by Gvalkyrie
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posted by Kristen at 